Little Women
by realms of fic
Summary: Sohma Akito and Integra Hellsing’s Deathmatch! Furuba X Hellsing crossover. Pure crack. Not to be taken seriously. HUGE Fruits Basket spoilers.Shoujoai.


**Little Women **

**By Kitsune Ears**

**Warning for language, Akito's rabid misogyny and Integra's blatant religious and cultural prejudices. **

Sohma Akito _hated_ women. He hated women from the bottom of his dark heart, he hated women young and old, rich and poor. He hated women and their soprano voices, he hated women and their flimsily dresses, their whorish make-ups, their nauseating perfumes, their stinking menses and disgusting pregnant bellies. But most of all he hated women and their obscene habit of trying to steal_ his_ family.

Sure, he was a woman himself but _that only made things much worse._

The big-boobed blond bitch standing in front of Akito right now was definitively a woman. Thus it was only fair that Akito hated her instantaneously. Sure she wore a green suit and a tie, and she smoke cigars and had a big freaking pistol poking from under her business shirt, but that didn't mean she was not a woman. Akito of all people should know.

That creature, that disgustingly ugly creature was currently the winter of Sohma Akito's discontent. Not only was the damn blonde a woman, in the sense she was definitely not a man, she also had broken into his family home with a dozen heavily armed thugs and held all his subservient relatives hostage under big smoking guns, leaving Akito all alone and unprotected to fence for himself with his own characteristic charm.

"So…" He said slowly, dragging each syllable because he could see that irritated Sir Integral Fairbrook Wingates Hesiling to no end, and because – quite frankly - that bloody cigar was killing his lungs. "You are telling me there is a vampire in my family."

"Correct." stated the militaristic blonde without batting an eye. "And I have permission from the Prime Minister of Japan to exterminate it." She shoved a piece of fancy paper under Akito's chin. He was unimpressed. He had seen many fancy papers even fancier than that in his short life. Also, he _ruled his _bloody family and he would rather celebrate the Girl's Festival than allow any stinking Prime Minister or blond bitch to get into his territory. He was a GOD, damnit.

And most of all, he was not, absolutely not, used to being ordered around and certainly not by a _bloody woman. _

"Get out of my house." He hissed with psychopathic godlike intent, snatching the permission from Integra's grip and tearing it to tiny pieces. "Get out of my house and don't you dare going near my family otherwise I'm gonna kill you."

Integra seemed profoundly unimpressed by his holiness. She slapped him, sharp and precisely, the thin lips much thinner now, like a bloodless cut on her thin face.

"Listen to me, you degenerated pagan." The blonde loomed, gloved hand snapping up to clutch Akito's thin throat and raise him from the floor. "With your cursed family of freaks turning into animals you should be grateful I'm not nuking you all. I'm in a mission from **God** here. Tell me who the vampire is otherwise I will shoot them one by one and I swear that in the name of the Queen of England and the Holy Anglican Church!"

That, Akito decided, was the final straw.

Strangled and blue, he clutched Integra's face and dug his thumbs into her eyes. The blonde screamed and started shooting blindly at the rice paper walls, which was promply answered by Integra's men outside, who shot back with machine guns, smoke rising all over the room. Many, many birds died.

Coughing and irate, Akito threw himself with his elongated limbs towards the sliding door, bolted it and proceeded to kick the offending vampire hunter in the guts.

"FUCK.THE.ANGLICAN.CHURCH! I"M A GOD YOU BITCH AND I COMMAND YOU GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!"

Akito was just too insane to mind when the bullets –Integra's and her men's - started zooning close to his ears. He jumped on her, billowing yukata in the thick smoke, and bit her hand hard until Integra hand no choice but drop the pistol. Soon they were rolling on the floor like two wild cats, legs and arms and nails and teeth, Integra punching Akito hard on the face.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU BITCH, DON"T YOU KNOW I'M AN INVALID?"

Integra was about to reply accordingly when she felt something under Akito's yukata. Something that was simply not supposed to be there.

"HOLY MOTHER OF CHRIST!" She shouted with wide blue eyes. "BREASTS! You are a FREAKING WOMAN. A FREAKING TRAVESTY. I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH DEBAUCHERY SINCE MY LAST VISIT TO THE VATICAN!"

"DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME A WOMAN!!!" screamed Akito on the top of his lungs, trying to get free of Integra, who was obviously much healthier and stronger and was _still holding his breasts_.

This was followed by a long period of hair pulling, blond and black locks mixed with white feathers on the dusty floor.

"ARUCARD! ARUCARD!" screamed Integra-sama because she sure couldn't take this madness anylonger.

----------------

Arucard exploded through the pierced rice paper walls, followed right behind by Sohma Hatori and Sohma Shigore, just to find his Master on top of Sohma Akito, breathing like a coupling mare, her glasses askew, blue eyes glaring savagely under ruined hair. Akito himself was lying prone under her, sweaty and crazy, loose yukata open and revealing the Sohma's second, maybe third most carefully kept secret, naked gracious legs clutching Integra's waist as he tried to push her away.

"Sexy." was Arucard's comment.

There was a low thud when the man called Hatori fainted by his side. The man called Shigore started laughing and wouldn't, wouldn't stop.

Both women _glared_ back at them.

"Master." Arucard started, unable to hide the silly grin tugging at the corners of his lips. "There is something you should know…"

"WHAT?" both women demanded at the same time as they exchaged a new series of punches.

"We've got the wrong family." He announced, pointing at the still laughing Shigore. "We are after the Sano, not the Sohma. They live across the street."

And all of a sudden Integra was embarrassed.

Arucard wanted to take pictures. Badly.

She glared down at Akito. "Why the hell you Japanese people have all the same name???"

"It's not even the same kanji, you ignorant bitch!" Akito pushed her off and rose on weak legs, making his yukata proper again. Integra followed his example, straightening her glasses. "You know you're going to pay for all this mess, don't you?"

"Er…yes. Sure." Integra cleared her throat and tried to look dignified.

"Good." Akito replied as he tried to look more god-like, and there was a lasting silence while both women looked at each other. Arucard's vampiric senses didn't miss the interesting vibes between them.

"Maybe you should give me your phone number." Integra said at last, casting her eyes away and blushing like a schoolgirl. "I mean, so we can arrange a dat-I mean, _meeting._ Meeting."

Akito scratched his hair, obviously trying to block out Shigore's mirth while he was trying to decide whether Integra meant what he thought she meant. "Er…sure. Sure. I mean, payment should be arranged and..."

Another pregnant silence. Arucard was thrilled. Finally, finally Integra had found herself a date.

"What about next Saturday?"

Integra nodded. "Okay." and, with a last lingering look at the strange, adroginous Akito, she retrieved her pistol and existed the devastated bedroom in a hurry. Arucard followed her suit on the tip of his toes. When they got to the ruined gardens, Integra lit another cigar- only the devil knew where the previous one had gone - and dragged on it fervently.

"Arucard."

"Yes, Master."

"If you don't wipe this smirk off your face I will drive a stake through your heart right here and now."

"Yes, Master." replied Arucard obediently.

And that was the end of it.

-------------------

After waking Hatori up with a bucket of freezing water and slapping Shigore into a more sombre condition, Akito sat unhingedly amidst the debris of his empire and dead birds, a lock of blond hair – roots deeply stained with blood – twisting in his delicate fingers.

All by himself in his dark bedroom, Akito decided that he still hated women, really, _really_ hated women, but since he was a God and Gods could do whatever they wanted, he was allowed to make at least one exception.

_Owari _

---------------

_Notes:_

_1. This, my dear children, is why I shouldn't be allowed to write crossovers. :-) But this was really fun to write and I hope sweet Akito and Integra will have a beautiful and torrid romance… at least until they manage to kill each other._

_2. I like the idea of Akito thinking of herself as a "he". I know it's distracting, but I think it fits her personality so well - sigh - Don't ask me why. :-)_

_3. Little Women is a novel by Louisa May Acoltt published in 1868 and it has nothing to do with this fic. ;-)_

_3. Thanks for reading and have a nice day._

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